I went to the beach today to try to clear my head. Due to the passing of my father, whom I became very close to over the past few years, I haven’t been doing so well. I’m getting behind in my work, and I continually want to break down, but I find that I can’t. I want to cry all the time, but I don’t want to. I want to stay in bed all day, but I find myself unable. I keep getting advice from people on “how to grieve”– do what feels right, others will understand, take it easy, and so on.
However, I don’t think any of this advice is working for me. I think I will just have to keep walking and talking and thinking and moving, and hope that I am okay. I don’t feel okay.
I went shopping today, and I wanted to lose it, but I didn’t. I looked all around me at all of the choices– different vegetables and fruits, varying prices– and I wanted to scream. I don’t know why, but all of those choices seemed so difficult, I wanted to throw my basket to the ground and stomp out like a little child. I wanted to throw a temper tantrum.
Instead, I remained calm, I purchased my vegetables and fruit, and I went to the beach. It raised my spirits a little bit, but the ocean seemed angry– maybe it was me that was angry. Maybe I’m still angry.
I’ll do my best to put it into my writing, but even I know that I don’t have time to write. Where does one find time to put the pieces back together, in the midst of such a busy schedule? I guess I’ll figure it out.
In the meantime, keep writing, everyone.