Last Saturday, I offered a presentation to a local club on my experience attending the only Buddhist high school in North America. I mentioned how the school shaped me, leading me to attend college for automotive technology, pursue my MFA, and continue writing, eventually becoming a published poet.
Other things came up, too. I brought along one of my typewriters as a display. During the question-and-answer session, I mentioned how I repair typewriters and write typewriter poetry.
I also mentioned how I’ve opened a practice as a death doula and will begin volunteering at a local hospice soon.
I hadn’t expected this, but people began asking questions about end-of-life work.
What is a death doula? Is it legal?
These questions intrigued me. Partly because I’d already faced a few of them the previous week. While in Miami, I had mentioned “death doula” to a few people who said, “What? What did you say?”
I came away from this with a few realizations:
- I’ve been telling people (in person!) that I’m a death doula
- Even though a lot more people know about death doulas now, they might not fully understand the role
- Folks might be confusing death doulas with people who only assist in MAID (Medical Aid in Dying) which is not legal everywhere
Put simply, a death doula offers companionship to a dying person, but a death doula can (and often is) so much more.
Death doula work is legal everywhere. I feel the best definition is offered by INELDA, the International End-of-Life Doula Association, of which I am a member: “INELDA-practicing doulas offer holistic support to the dying person and their circle of care through presence, full-self listening, respect of autonomy, and awareness of the dying process.”
When answering the questions, “What is a death doula? Is it legal?” I focused on companionship and I also told the audience that a death doula isn’t just for the dying. A death doula can also offer support and education to the living.
So many people fear death, and this fear often means that we aren’t as prepared as we should be.
These fears and misconceptions also make me think of hospice. Some people have a lot of misconceptions about hospice, too. One of the primary misconceptions is that hospice comes in at the last moment and simply administers drugs.
In reality, hospice is an important support system for families and caregivers. Anyone can refer someone to hospice, and then hospice will decide if the person is ready. When my mother was admitted to hospice, it was based on the likelihood that she would not live longer than six months. She lived for three. (It’s important to note that some people wait too long to call hospice. I’m glad we called when we did.)
A hospice nurse visited my house regularly, and if we needed medical supplies, they were delivered fast. However, hospice nurses couldn’t stay with us in my mother’s last hours. When she died, I had to call and wait two hours for the nurse to arrive and record the time of death. A death doula can help to fill the gaps in our healthcare system.
In The Final Act of Living by Barbara Karnes, she muses about the future of hospice and what death care will look like. I think it will involve more end-of-life doulas.
I’m grateful for such an inspiring experience sharing my journey. I felt so heartened by the questions asked about end-of-life work that I can see myself doing other presentations focused on death literacy and education. If that happens, I’ll certainly share about it here.
Thank you for being.